A year.........

A year ago, tomorrow, my grandpa died. It was fast. They found the cancer the first week of May.

It was hard. Maybe because it happened so fast. Maybe because I wasnt ready. I knew he was. He was a GOD believing Christian man. He knew where he was going. He was ok with that. I would come in the house and he would have a big smile and say "you're looking at the cancer kid Shelley". I had to fight back the tears.

This is one of the last pictures that I have of him. Kayann didnt want to do it. But I knew it was the last.

The next day he got a radiation injection. Not to kill the cancer but to help with the pain. That meant that pregnant women (which I was) and children couldnt be around him

I want to fast forward to now. My grandma is doing an amazing job living her life without him. I'm sure it is hard. They went through so much in their many years together.

I'm not going to lie. My grandpa was a stubborn, cranky old man. I would mow his lawn. The whole time he would follow me around telling me how to do it. That was just who he was. But he loved everyone. He loved the children so much. The little ones. He thought they were the greatest.

I am amazed at the impact this has had on my children. They only knew him for a year. But they knew he would always be at grandma's house, either in his chair or in his computer room. They also knew that if they didnt say hi it would hurt his feeling. Raymond would walk in and YELL "hi grandpa" to make sure he heard him (grandpa could hardly hear). Grandpa would always give the kids a hug and kiss goodbye. He would usually sneak candy into their pockets.

The kids asked a lot of questions once they realized grandpa wasnt in his chair anymore. I would tell them the truth. Grandpa is in heaven. Jesus healed him. Raymond talks about how his arm isnt at his side anymore. How he can use his leg. How in heaven grandpa isnt sick anymore. He can play and chase him. At bedtime Kayann loves me to sing Silent Night. At the end it says "sleep in heavenly peace" For the last year, every night she says "like grandpa in heaven". We always talk about how grandpa is all better now. She asked how she will be able to see him and play with him. I tell her she has to love Jesus and one day she will be able to play with grandpa.

I'm grateful for the chance this has given me to teach my children. To help them understand.

This is probably one of the hardest things for me to write (if you cant tell it is a bit scattered and rambling). You never realize how close you are to someone or what an impact they have until they are gone.

I dont cry because he is gone. I cry because we have to live without him